Te Mataré Ramirez
After a relaxing weekend in Mendoza, I woke up bright and early Monday morning for my 8am spanish classes. I think I'm getting better -- I had a conversation with my taxi driver about the history of slavery in the US. I don't think I could have done that a few weeks ago. It's funny with taxi drivers ... if I say I'm from the US, I'm usually taken on the long tour of the city; but, if I say I'm from New York it's a different story. I'm instantly flooded with tons of questions and, so far, have never had trouble with a taxi driver after saying this. Buenos Aires definitely has New York envy ... me too for that matter! That Monday, we decided to go to a rather funky restaurant: Te Mataré Ramirez (I will kill you, ramirez):The restaurant describes itself to be sexy. What is not clear, however, is how literal this description is. The walls are filled with naked people, kamasutra, really graphic stuff. The titles of dishes are incredibly pornograhic with names like "he slipped two fingers slowly, looking me in the eyes" and "your body tense as the string of a bow, announces the coming pleasure." Needless to say, this was an over 18 restaurant. IDs are checked at the door. While the decor and atmosphere was certainly interesting and provocative the food was, frankly, terrible. The restaurant is incredibly dark with spot lighting on the nude figures that plaster the walls. Everything is red. Very red. At the front end of the restaurant is a mini stage for a Jazz band that plays several nights of the week. We were fortunate enough to be eating while they were playing. They were quite good.
We skipped appetizers and went straight for main courses. I think we had too much bread.
Tu Carne, Luminaria De Fuego, Agrava Mi Placer Gigot de cordero patagónico confitado en su jugo, salteado de porotos pallares y panceta ahumada, cremosa pasta de ciruela y queso crema de hierbas, y braseado de hinojos
Your Meat, Lit by Fire, Gives Me Pleasure Slices of patagonian lamb confit a jus, smoked panceta, creamy plum paste, cheese cream braised with fennel
Mi Boca Que Implora Bajo Tu Cielo Femenino Rols de trucha patagónica rellenos con espinaca y champgnones, sobre provocadora crema de hierbas, acompañada de croute de almendras en corazón de alcaucil y papa horneada
My Mouth Implores Under Your Feminine Sky Rolls of patagonian trout stuffed with spinach and mushrooms, provocative herb cream, accompanied by croute of almonds in heart of palm and pope
Me Deleito En Todas Las Partes De Tu Cuerpo Priápico solomillo de cerdo en coulis de naranja, acompañado de strudel de choclo y verdeo y, cítrica fideuà de puerro y uvas pasas al azafrán
I Delight In All the Parts of your Body Pig "sirloin"in orange coulis, accompanied by strudel of corn, greens, and, "cítrica fideuà de puerro" and grapes with saffron (I'm not sure how to translate cítrica fideuà de puerro, but it's like leeks.)
I got to try everyone's main, and was extremely disappointed with everything. My dish, the Patagonian lamb, was cold and dry. Someone decided it would be a good idea to throw a slab of mayonnaise on top of the lamb. Not sure what was going on. The trout was really off -- the fish was not fresh. It was incredibly fishy, also served cold. The "best" of the three dishes was the pork but, even that, was dry and cold. I decided to cut my losses, stop eating, skip dessert, and ask for another round of the chipa bread. If I weren't with my friends, I would have sent my dish back. This marks the worst meal I have had so far in Buenos Aires.
Despite what your guide book says about Te Mataré Ramirez, skip it!